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Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats...
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: ...
Dad: "Can I see your report card,...
Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?" Son: "I don't have it." Dad: "Why?" Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."
Two students were arguing when their teacher...
Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said ...
The Judgement
After I prosecuted a man for killing a bird out of season with his slingshot, the court clerk suggested setting up a date for him to return with both the money for the fine and proof of community service. "That way," she said innocently, "you can kill two ...
Usual Suspect
While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the arresting officer. My first question: "Did you see the defendant at the scene?" "Yes, from a block away," the officer answered. "Was the area well lit?" "No. It was pretty dark." "Then ...
Long Tour of Duty
I work in a courthouse, so when I served jury duty, I knew most of the staff. As I sat with other prospective jurors listening to a woman drone on about how long the process was taking, a judge and two lawyers passed by, giving me a big hello. A minute later, ...
Going to the Dogs
When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me.At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in ...
What did the elephant...
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: "How do you breathe through something so small?"
What did the penis...
Q: What did the penis say to the condom? A: "Cover me. I'm going in."
Why do women wear panties with flowers...
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
Can a kangaroo jump higher...
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
How do you get...
Q: How do you get a blond on the roof? A: You tell her the food is on the house.
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and...
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At ...
A guy and his wife are sitting...
A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”
A professor was giving a lecture on...
A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you ...
A baby snake asked it's mom, "Mommy...
A baby snake asked it's mom, "Mommy are we poisonous?" The mother snake responded, "Yes honey, but why do you want to know?" The baby snake responded, "Because I just bit myself..."
A farmer buys a young rooster. As...
A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried ...
Why couldn't the blonde add...
Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator? A: She couldn't find the "10" button.
How can you tell if...
Q: How can you tell if a blonde used a computer? A: There's Wite-Out all over the screen.
What did the...
Q: What did the computer do at lunchtime? A: Had a byte!
Yo mamma is so fat that when...
Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!
Teacher: "I asked you to draw a...
Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?" Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."
Scientists have proven that there are two...
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids...
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight .When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive.""How ...
Why can't you tell...
Q: Why can't you tell an egg a joke? A: Because it will crack up.