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Irish Spring
Whats Irish and comes out in the spring? Paddy O'Furniture!
Country Songs
What do you get when you play a country song backwards? You get you house, tractor, wife, and dog back.
Blind Date
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible!" answered the roommate. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car! What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner."
Amish Life
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's butt? A mechanic!
Differences
What's the difference between light and hard? You an go to sleep with the light on.
Will to Live
A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me". The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but ...
Buttons Falling
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now ...
Blind Man Walking
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind ...
Claws and Pause
Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Impressing Ma Bell
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous ...
Songs of Joy
Mitchell was listening to his sister practice her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols." "Thats nice of you, Mitchell," she replied, "but why?" He replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear your voice once a year!"
Shouting in Prayer
Little Johnny was shouting his prayers. "Please God send me a new bike for my birthday." His mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout son, God isn't deaf." "No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Johnny replied.
Doctor Love
A doctor rushed out of his study room. "Get me my bag!" he shouted. "Why, what's the matter?" inquired his pretty young wife. "Some fellow just phoned and said he can't live without me," he gasped as he reached for his hat. The young wife sighed. ...
Dicken's Martini
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
Fifty Shades
My wife said she wanted to see "Fifty Shades Of Grey." So I showed her a picture of her hair.
Mother-In-Law
A husband and wife are shopping when the wife says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? Do you think she would like something electric?" "Sure," the husband says, "how about a chair?"
North Korean Democracy
Why isn't there democracy in North Korea? Because everytime they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle!
Beer at the Starting Line
A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!" The wife sighed and got him a beer. Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it ...
Dream Big
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “You'll know tonight.” he said with a smile. The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she ...
Door to Door Salesmen
Two salesmen were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did ...
The Great Escape
Two prisoners, an American and a Mexican, were making their escape over the jailhouse roof when one of them dislodged a tile. “Who’s there!" shouted a guard. The American prisoner replied with a convincing imitation of a cat’s meow. Reassured, the ...
Drunk Beemer
After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, a rather intoxicated young man was stopped and asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer. “I’m not really sure,” confessed the drunk, “but wherever it is, I must be late, because ...
Clown Funeral
Did you hear about the circus clown's funeral? All his friends came in one car.
Circus Joke 1
Q: What is the gooey red stuff between an elephant's toes? A: Slow clowns.
Roadside Performance
A circus performer was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." ...