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I work at a local fast food...
I work at a local fast food joint. It cracks me up when a fat ass customer orders a quadruple stacked cheeseburger, with extra sauce, a ton of extras, extra large fries with extra sauce, and then orders a small diet coke.
A guy is going on an ocean...
A guy is going on an ocean cruise and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick. The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.'' The guy replies, ''Will that keep me from getting sick, Doc?'' The doctor ...
There were two cannibals who captured a...
There were two cannibals who captured a man. They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having ...
There is a fellow who is talking...
There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate ...
A guy and his date are parked...
A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually ...
You have that far look in your...
Girl: You have that faraway look in your eyes Boy: Oh? Girl: Yes, the farther away you are, the better you look.
Why is Santa...
Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big? A: He only comes once a year.
When Cats Go James Bond
The military may have invented the Internet, but not all government schemes have worked as well. In 
the ’60s, the CIA hatched a plan to implant a battery and a microphone in a cat so the furry feline could 
spy on unsuspecting targets. The program was halted ...
Game Respect Game
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.”
A teacher asked her students to use...
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
A man rushes his limp dog to...
A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat ...
If you were forced to go...
Q: If you were forced to go through one of the following doors, which door do you go through with 100 % certainty you'd stay alive: a door with a man with a gun behind it, a door with a tiger who hasn't eaten in 7 years behind it, or a door with an electrical ...
Roll Call
I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter. "Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor," I said. "Linda Jones, probation officer." "Sam Clark, public ...
I Don't Say "Hey" Pro Bono
A lawyer e-mailed a client: “Dear Jennifer: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn’t you, so I went back. One tenth of an hour: $30.”
The Case of The Imaginary Dogs
My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?”The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” ...
The Device Too Big To Fail
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The 
Titanic is syncing.”Source: textsfromlastnight.com
Reid Faylor on Halloween
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him.
When a Black Hole Crosses Your Path
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.
The Beauty of the World
My techie husband and I were walking in the high desert when he stopped to photograph one stunning vista after another. Overcome by the sheer beauty, he paid it his ultimate compliment: "Everywhere I look is a screen saver!"
Catch and Retweet
Give a man a fish, and he’ll 
Instagram it; teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.
Skip To The Good Part, Please
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.
Tech-No-Limits
Can a 3-D printer make ink 
cartridges for a 2-D printer?
My friend thinks he is smart. He...
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
What is the difference...
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs.
What happens to a frog's car...
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.