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Jose
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically ...
The Indian
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can ...
Don't Flush
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided ...
Drivers License
A son had just received his drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll ...
Razor
Knock Knock Who's there? Razor! Razor who? Razor hands, this is a stick up!
Job Opportunity
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
My Wife
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?" The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife." "What's he stuffed with," ...
Sharks!
While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around ...
Friendly Competition
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ...
Air Conditioning
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, ...
Mowing the Lawn
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. "It was enough to make anybody faint," ...
Buddy's Buddies
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, ...
Food for Thought
A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Can I have a burger and fries?" "Sorry, this is a library." So the blonde whispers, "Oh, sorry. May I have a burger and fries?"
Taxes
Nothing makes a person more modest about their income than to fill out a tax form. The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away with them, but to hide them better. Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then ...
The Cross-eyed Cow
One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and ...
Brain Transplant
The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.”You have your choice of two brains,” he told the patient, “For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician.” The patient was amazed at the ...
Hospitality
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
The Neighbors
Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?" Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."
Cinderella
Q: Why did Cinderella get kicked off the Football team? A: Because she Kept running away from the ball.
Communicating
Mother: "Are you talking back to me?!" Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works."
Politicians
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.
Perfect Eyesight
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
ABCDEFGHIJK
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!" ...
The Newlyweds
A new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, “Sure. You carry ...
Milking Stool
Q: Why do milking stools have only 3 legs? A:Because the cow has the udder!