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| Cleaning Lipstick
A principal had a problem with a few of the girls who used lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand, he gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick ...
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| Worms
A chemistry instructor wanted to teach his class about the evils of liquor, so he created an experiment to make the point. Producing two glasses and two small worms, he first poured a small amount of water into one of the glasses. Putting in the first worm, ...
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| It's Me!
Some years ago, Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself ...
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| The Deserted Isle
The following people were stranded on a deserted tropical island:
- 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
- 2 French men and 1 French woman
- 2 German men and 1 German woman
- 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
- 2 English men and 1 English woman
- 2 Bulgarian ...
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| Little Johnny's Side
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though ...
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| The Old Farmer's Mule
An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought ...
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| Mexican Weather Report
Q: What is the Mexican weather report?
A: Chili today and hot tamale.
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| Polish Cavalry
Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.
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| RIch Girl Sneeze
Q: How does a rich girl sneeze?
A: Jimmy Choo!
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| Dog Dictionary, Vol. 2
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume ...
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| Shepherd's Logic
A few years ago, some folks from the Humane Society and the U.S. Forest Service were at a farm meeting presenting an alternative to Texas sheep producers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after several years of the farmers using the tried ...
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| Pickle Philosophy
Q: What is the pickle's philosophy of life?
A: Never a dill moment.
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| 3 Chinese Tortures
A young man is wandering and lost in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door, he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the young man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the ...
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| What Months Bring
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!
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| Dog Dictionary, Vol. 1
LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: A liquid ...
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| Tickling
Q: How do you tickle a rich girl?
A: Gucci Gucci Gucci...
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| Tennessee Colors
Q: Do you know why Orange is the official color of the University of Tennessee?
A: So fans can hunt on Saturday, go to the game Sunday, and pick up trash along the roads on Monday.
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| You Might Be a Redneck 3...
You might be a redneck if...
...you and your girlfriend broke up and she said you could still be cousins.
or
...you have ever set up a lawn chair next to a highway and cheered for the people driving to work!
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| Last Words
Q: What were the redneck's last words?
A: I can do that!
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| Grasshopper
A grasshopper hops into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'
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| Old-School Tech Problem
Back in the day, a customer service call center of a national pager company dealt with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. ...
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| Tossed Off
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
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| Favorite Fruit (bonus joke 3 of 3)
Girl: What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit?
Boy: I have no idea.
Girl: A necktarine!
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| Extra Sock (bonus joke 2 of 3)
Boy: Why did the monster’s mother knit him three socks?
Girl: I have no idea.
Boy: She heard he grew another foot!
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| Riding in Elevators (bonus joke 1 of 3)
Girl: Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?
Boy: Why?
Girl: It raises their spirits.
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