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Retirement
Four years ago, my brother ran for state senator. What does he do now? Nothing. He got elected.
Elvish Pinball
How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None -- it only takes Tolkiens!
Hang Ups
Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"
Jungle Lovin'
George of the Jungle lived all alone. There was no one to have sex with him, so instead he screwed a hole in a tree. One day, he found a woman in the jungle and soon the call to do the wild thing became too much. They were making out and getting pretty ...
In Common
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common? A: Their middle names.
Ice Cream
Q: What is Homer Simpson's favorite ice cream? A: Cookie D'oh!
Duh Bees
Q: Why do bees hum? A: They don't know the words.
Knock Knock Atch
Girl: Knock, knock. Boy: Who’s there? Girl: Atch. Boy: Atch who? Girl: Bless you!
Knock Knock Wooden Shoe
Boy: Knock, knock. Girl: Who’s there? Boy: Wooden shoe. Girl: Wooden shoe who? Boy: Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?
Bidding War
Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees him and calls out, “Fifty dollars!” He's tempted, but the price is a little high so he calls back, “Five!” She's disgusted ...
Aye, Captain
Q: How did Captain Hook end up with a bleeding ulcer? A: He wiped his bum with the wrong hand.
Harry Potter
Q: Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts? A: He was caught playing with his broomstick.
Blonde Grandma
Q: What is a blonde grandma's favorite music group from back in her day? A: Air Supply.
Great Flood
Did you hear about the movie Greenpeace is making about the great flood they think is coming because of global warming? It's supposed to star Robert Redford and be called, 'A River Runs Over It.'
Muscleheads
Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go ...
Monkeying Around
Q: What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a computer? A: Hairy Reasoner.
Drunk
Winston Churchill once said, "I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
Confession is Good
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible." "When did you do use this awful ...
Outer Piss
Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss off the roof of the Enterprise? A: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
Comic Geek
Q: What's a comic geek's best pickup line? A: You're hotter than an anime chick.
Slick Willie's Cards
Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite card game? A: Poker.
Blind as a Bat
Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The ...
Cinderella's Camera
Q: What did Cinderella say when she left the photo store? A: "Someday my prints will come."
Divorce
Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie? A: All of Ken's stuff.
Clear Conscience
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. -- unknown