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| Passing Gas
Q: Why do women pass less gas than men?
A: Because women don't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure.
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| Valentine's Day
Girl: I can't be your valentine for medical reasons.
Boy: Really?
Girl: Yeah, you make me sick!
I'm Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentines Day, the side chick is you!
And remember, Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and ...
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| Talibani Camels
Q: Why are camels called ships of the desert?
A: Because they are filled with Taliban semen!
Q: What do you call a Taliban who owns six camels?
A: A pimp!
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| Drivers Licenses
Q: Why don't women need driver's licenses?
A: Because there are no roads between the laundry room and the kitchen!
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| Differences
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.
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Americans: ...
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| Sexually Active
A old redneck takes his wife to the doctor to get birth control pills. The doctor wonders if she's a little too old for birth control pills and asks the man if she's sexually active.
The husband replies, “No, she just kinda lays there.”
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| Another Geek Joke
An int, a char and a string walk into a bar. After a while, the int and char start hitting on the waitress making her very uncomfortable. The string walks up to the waitress and says “You’ll have to forgive them, they’re primitive types.”
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| Faith
You cannot be President of the United States if you don't have faith. Remember Lincoln, going to his knees in times of trial in the Civil War and all that stuff.
-- George H. W. Bush
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| Polack's Brother
A Polack comes home early one day from work and hears weird sounds coming from his bedroom. When he gets to his room, he finds his wife naked on the bed sweating bullets.
'
'What the hell is going on?'' he says.
''I'm having a heart attack!!''
So he ...
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| Duh Bears
One day mama bear and papa bear were getting a divorce. The judge decided that baby bear was going to live with mama bear. Baby bear started to cry .
"Whats wrong?" the judge asked baby bear.
"I don't want to live with mama bear, she abuses me!" said ...
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| Keep it Simple
I'm just trying to keep things simple, and just be a little more offhand and not get so deep into things. Enjoy what you got right now, because who knows what's going to happen tomorrow.
-- Bob Seger
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| Hope on Vietnam
Bob Hope had this to say to the troops about the war in Vietnam:
"The country is behind you, 50 percent."
"As we flew in, they gave us a 21-gun salute. Three of them were ours."
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| Two Dogs
A man and his son come upon two dogs humping. The son asks, "Dad, what are those dogs doing?"
His father replies, "Well, the dog on top must have hurt his two front paws, and that dog on the bottom is helping him home."
The son says, "It figures -- every ...
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| No Back Seat
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, ...
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| Red Eye
Defense attorney: Tell the jury, in your own words, what happened before the traffic officer assaulted you with his nightstick.
Plaintiff: He pulled me over and I rolled down my window he said, "Your eyes are red - have you been smoking weed?"
Attorney: ...
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| Super Bowl XLIX
Jokes from Febuary 1, 2014 - Seattle Seahawks vs New England Patriots
Boy: Dad, how do you win a Super Bowl without cheating?
Dad: I don't know son, we are Patriots fans.
Did you hear about the cereal Bill Belicheat and "Shady" Brady eat before ...
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| Football, Game of Champions
Q: What's the difference between the Green Bay Packers and a dollar bill?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Dallas Cowboys.
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| Auto Parts
A guy walks into an parts store and says, "I need a gas cap for a Kia."
The cashier thought for a long time and finally said, "Okay, that sounds like a fair trade."
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| Bumper Sticker
True bumper sticker spotted at the mall: "Condoms prevent mini-vans."
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| Sword Swallower
Q: Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella?
A: He wanted to put something away for a rainy day!
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| The Name
Q: Did you hear about the little boy that they named after his father?
A: They called him "dad"!
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| Programming Class
A group of computer science geeks were listening to a lecture about Java programming at a university. After the lecture, one of the men leaned over and touched the breast of the woman next to him.
Woman: Hey! That’s private OK ?
The man hesitated for ...
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| Programmer's Bus Song
"99 little bugs in the code
99 bugs in the code
patch one down, compile it around
117 bugs in the code"
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| Programmer's Knock Knock Joke
Knock knock.
Race condition.
Who's there?
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| Knock Knock King
Boy: Knock, knock.
Girl: Who’s there?
Boy: King Tut.
Girl: King Tut who?
Boy: King Tut-key fried chicken!
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