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Hot Breakfast
An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home. "Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago." "Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we ...
Sitting Ducks
Q: Why did Mickey Mouse get shot? A: Because Donald ducked.
Drowning Lawyer
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Happy Hour
Q: What happened when the soldier went into an enemy bar? A: He got bombed.
Cab Ride
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. ...
Party Time
Q: Why did the mouse go to the party? A: He heard they were playing Parcheesi!
The Scarecrow
Q: Why did the scarecrow get promoted? A: He was outstanding in his field.
Puns
A man once sent twenty different puns to twenty different friends in the hope that at least half of them would laugh. No pun in ten did.
Ghandi's Conditions
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot most of the time and developed an extraordinary set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail. He also suffered from bad breath, all of which made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. ...
Knock Knock 9/11
Soldier: Knock Knock! Civilian: Who's there? Soldier: 9/11! Civilian: 9/11 who? Soldier: You said you wouldn't forget...
Peanuts
Two peanuts were walking through a bit of a rough neighborhood. One of them was a salted.
Chess Players
A group of chess players were standing in the hotel lobby during a tournament discussing their recent victories. After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office and asked them to leave. "Why?" The players asked as they walked away. "Because," ...
Eskimo Humor
Two Eskimos were fishing in their kayak and got chilly, so they started a fire in the little boat. Not surprisingly, the hull caught on fire and the craft sank. Ergo, you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
2 More Bad Ones
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard that bull before. -- and -- I went to a combination seafood restaurant/disco last night... and pulled a mussel.
Invisible Parents
An invisible man married an invisible woman and started a family. Alas, their children were nothing to look at.
Cow Talk
Two cows are grazing next to each other in a pasture and Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe it!" Dolly says. "It's true, no bull!" Daisy says.
Circus Food
Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
2 Bad Jokes
A dyslexic man walks into a bra. -- and -- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his harm and says, "A beer please and another for the road."
Tom Jones Disease
A man went to the doctor saying, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Disease," the doctor said. "Is it common?" "Well, it's not unusual," the doctor said.
Antennas
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony was pretty ordinary, but the reception was excellent.
Jumper Cable
A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll serve you if you promise not to start anything."
Not So Hard
A young female nurse is working the front desk at a sperm bank. A man wearing a ski mask barges in through the front door and holds a gun to her head. "Open the vault!" He shouts. "But sir, this is a sperm bank..." "Just do it!" The woman complies ...
Iranian Scientists
In Iran, a study was recently published showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars. After a thorough analysis, the researchers came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by screeching, "CAAAR! CAAAR!" but they can't ...
Indian Food
A man was laying on his death bed at home. His beautiful wife sat by his side, holding his hand. In his last moments, the man was dismayed about his wife being with another man. He knew that this was probably inevitable but he wanted to hear it from her. He ...
Falling Objects
A woman is in the kitchen one day when one of her three daughters comes in and asks her, "Mommy, why is my name Daisy?" The mom replies, "That's because on the day you were born a flower fell upon your head." Satisfied, the kid scampered off to go ...