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Jesus had Long Hair
A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car." Father replies: "O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come ...
At the Funeral
There was a Packers fan with a really terrible seat at Lambeau Field. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked ...
Knock Knock Wire
Boy: Knock Knock Girl: Who's There? Boy: Wire-man Girl: Wire-man who? Boy: WIRE you doing this to me?
Yo Mama's So Fat 2
Yo mama is so fat and dumb that the only reason she opened her email was because she heard it contained spam!
Yo Mama's So Fat
Yo mama is so fat that when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her ten years to live!
Knock Knock Are Too
Boy: Knock Knock Girl: Who's There? Boy: Art Girl: Art Who? Boy: R2-D2!
Lazy Bastard 2
"So you're able to carry shopping to a customer's car free of charge?" I asked the guy in Tesco this morning. "Yes." he replied. I said, "Can you carry mine for me?" He said, "Sure." As we walked across the entire distance of the car park, I suddenly ...
Lazy Games
Overheard at work: "I've been told I'm not ambitious enough. If only there was an Olympic sport for being a lazy bastard. That bronze medal would be mine."
Computers
The top six reasons computers must be female: 6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. 5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future ...
The Hipster
Q: How did the hipster burn his lips? A: He drank his coffee before it was cool...
Engineers
There are four engineers traveling in a car: A mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we ...
Knock Knock Olive
Girl: Knock Knock Boy: Who's There? Girl: Olive Boy: Olive Who? Girl: Olive You!
Immunity
Q: Why are blondes immune to men? A: They've been inoculated so many times.
Long Sermons
The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal. Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful ...
Striking
Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A: A thought.
Watch Dogs
Q: What did the blonde name her watch dogs? A: Timex and Rolex.
Basement
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar.
How Many Is That?
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian last night and it was amazing!" The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Yo Mama's So Ugly 2
Yo mama is so ugly that when she went to a beautician it took 12 hours just to get a quote!
Yo Mama's So Ugly
Yo mama is so ugly that she turned Medusa to stone!
Knock Knock Atch
Girl: Knock Knock Boy: Who's There? Girl: Atch Boy: Atch Who? Girl: God Bless You!
A Politician
A politician said to a woman, "You sure do look beautiful today!!!!" The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same to you." "Sure you could!!" said the politician, "if you could lie as well as I do!"
Great Writers
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a “great” writer. When asked to define “great” he said “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that ...
Lion Tamer
A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience The man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he ...
The Cowboy
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more ...