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Confucius Say
Confucius say, "Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."
A fat man goes into a fast...
A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him, "Sorry about your weight."
If I ever need a brain transplant,...
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
Sure, I've seen people like you before,...
Sure, I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay an admission fee.
Why don't aliens eat...
Why don't aliens eat clowns?Because they taste funny.
What is the difference between...
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a vacuum cleaner? A: The location of the dirt bag.
"Babe is it in?" "Yea.""Does it hurt?"...
"Babe is it in?" "Yea.""Does it hurt?" "Uh huh.""Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts.""Okay, let's try another shoe size."
A woman is having a hard time...
A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, ...
A gynecologist notices that a new patient...
A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes ...
Scientists have proven that there are two...
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.
A man is walking down the street,...
A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer ...
Bob: "Why did the chicken cross the...
Bob: "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Joe: "To get to the idiot's house." Bob: "Knock knock." Joe: "Who's there?" Bob: "The chicken."
What's the difference between...
Q: What's the difference between Tom Cruise and a tuxedo? A: One comes out of the closet on special occasions and the other is a tuxedo.
You're so ugly, you...
You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.
Last time I had a kiss like...
Last time I had a kiss like that, I was trying to bring my goldfish back to life.
Why is it that the people with...
Why is it that the people with the smallest minds always have the biggest mouths?
I heard you went to have your...
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
A typical macho man married a typical...
A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless ...
Mickey Mouse is in the middle of...
Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge. Mickey replied, "I didn't ...
What is the difference between...
Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? A: Santa stops after three hos.
A wealthy man was having an affair...
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would ...
They say that during sex you burn...
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
One weekend, a husband is in the...
One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," ...
Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but...
Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly." Student: "A dead bird, sir."
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun...
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."