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A 3 years old boy sits near...
A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman. Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!
During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans...
During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner ...
A pick pocket was up in court...
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said, "Sir, you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said, "Thanks, your honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the ...
Why is it that your...
Why is it that your nose runs but your feet smell?
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and...
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At ...
In the beginning, God created the heaven...
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was made in China.
Student: "Should I get in trouble for...
Student: "Should I get in trouble for something I didn't do?" Teacher: "No." Student: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia....
So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the ...
A boss said to his secretary...
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. ...
What did the big chimney...
Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? A: "You're too young to smoke."
At the doctor's office, Tom was getting...
At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that ...
Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night....
Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed." Guest: "I'll make my own bed." Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."
Brunette: "Where were you born?" Blonde: "California."...
Brunette: "Where were you born?" Blonde: "California." Brunette: "Which part?" Blonde: "All of me."
If you ever fart in public,...
If you ever fart in public, just yell, "Turbo power!" and walk faster.
Three old timers at the retirement home...
Three old timers at the retirement home were complaining about growing old. The first one says, "I wake up at 7:00 AM and try for a half hour to take a poop." The second one says, "Oh yeah? I spend an hour trying to pee." The third one says, "I take a nice ...
A taxi passenger taps the driver...
A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then ...
An old man is met by his...
An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing ...
Two mental patients were walking next to...
Two mental patients were walking next to a swimming pool. One jumped into the pool and the other jumped in to save him. Their doctor saw the rescue and called the rescuer to his office. "Due to your actions, it appears your mental state is fine," the doctor ...
What did the green grape...
Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape? A: "Breathe, stupid!"
Two men visit a prostitute. The first...
Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know? Your wife IS better."
PMS jokes...
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
Have you heard about...
Q: Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma? A: There’s no menu; you get what you deserve.
Tom was at the hospital visiting with...
Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, ...
A man went to his lawyer and...
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed ...
A doctor tells an old couple at...
A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man. Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said. The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."