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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a...
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny,...
A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar." Johnny asks, "Why?" His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!" The next day at church, ...
The First Case
An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. "Mr. Peterson," she says. "Would you say you're honest?" "Honest?" replies Peterson. "Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, ...
Did It Even have Twitter??
I was showing my kids an old rotary phone when my nine-year-old asked, “How did you text on it?” My 15-year-old daughter roared with laughter, until a thought occurred to her: “Wait, where did you store your contacts?”
Running the Show
I am a deputy sheriff assigned to courthouse security. As part of my job, I explain court procedures to visitors. One day I was showing a group of ninth-graders around. Court was in recess and only the clerk and a young man in custody wearing handcuffs were ...
How to Shock a Time Traveler
If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today? One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look 
at pictures ...
Feline Friendly
A woman walked into my aunt's animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered."Is the mother friendly?" my aunt asked."Very," said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. "That's how we got into this mess in the first ...
Frame of Reference
When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers. "Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked the plaintiff's lawyer. "Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust," she responded. "And how ...
Latin
When I worked in my school library, a very confused guy asked me for help. "The computer just started typing in Latin. I can't understand it," he said. It turns out he was typing in italics.
LOLHumans.com
I bet cats have 
a secret website where they 
upload clips of cute humans 
trying to open DVD packaging 
and jump-start 
cars.
Protesting Too Much
Arrested on a robbery charge, our law firm's client denied the allegations. So when the victim pointed him out in a lineup as one of four men who had attacked him, our client reacted vociferously. "He's lying!" he yelled. "There were only three of us."
Hungry Cat
One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter’s indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.“We ...
Bad Job
As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions. "Milton," I asked, puzzled, "how is it ...
Pretty Pennies
Q: Who invented copper wire? A: Two tax attorneys fighting over a penny.
Talking Bird
My father’s secretary was visibly distraught one morning when she arrived at the office and explained that her children’s parrot had escaped from his cage and flown out an open window. Of all the dangers the tame bird would face outdoors alone, she seemed ...
The Clothes Make The Cat
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him.
Fashion Forward
A client recently brought her two cats to my husband's veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek black cat. She watched closely as I put each on the scale. "They weigh about ...
Time Out
After a lengthy course on improving computer skills, a teacher finally seemed to get the hang of it. In fact, he admitted in his course evaluation, "Computers have simplified and shortened my life."
Found Him!
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo.” -- Excerpt from the unpublished "Where’s Waldo" audiobook
Before LinkedIn
Overheard at work: "Before LinkedIn, I didn’t know any strangers."
Social Media
I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do ...
New Technology
I finally convinced my mother that it was a good idea for her to learn to text. Her first message to me? "Whereisthespacebar?"
Saint of Email
Q Who's the patron saint of e-mail? A: St. Francis of a CC.
Out of It
When I overheard one of my cashiers tell a customer, "We haven't had it for a while, and I doubt we'll be getting it soon," I quickly assured the customer that we would have whatever it was she wanted by next week. After she left, I read the cashier the riot ...
Climate Change
According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we'll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change.