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Destructive Moisture
Why does moisture destroy leather? When it’s raining, cows don’t go up to the farmhouse yelling, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”
If I'm on the Course and Lightning Starts...
The pastor at a local church says, "If I’m on the golf course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, I let him."
Don't Knock the Weather.
Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation.
Lew Schneider on Sunblock
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
Winter Punderland
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”
Coastal Town Names
Concerned about what will happen to cities if the polar ice caps melt? Don't be. New names have already been chosen. Atlantis City, New Jersey Pariscope, France Sail Em, Massachusetts Floodelphia, Pennsylvania Helsunki, Finland Sao Marco ... Paulo, Brazil ...
Other Emergency
Our family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in case the lines went dead. He didn't return for the longest time, so I went looking for him. I was upstairs ...
Retirement
There were two retired men. One of the men said "I feel like a newborn baby,". The other man asked why. The man said, " I have no hair, no teeth, and I just peed in my pants."
Robot Truth
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie and he decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. The son says, ...
Next Question
Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: Who just threw that? Boy: Me and I’m going home now.
My 3 Sons
Three brothers wanted to give their blind mom a birthday gift. The first got her a big beautiful house. The second got her a brand new luxury vehicle with a driver. The third got her a talking parrot to keep her company. When they all got together, they wanted ...
Knock Knock Wanda
Boy: Knock! Knock! Girl: Who’s there? Boy: Wanda Girl: Wanda who? Boy: Wanda hang out with me right now?
The She-Devil
A man would come home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him. When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon. He looks at her and slurs, ...
Hold my beer!
The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident. 89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, s**t!'' In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''
Pulled over
A cop pulls over a car that's been swerving across the lanes of a road. "Get out of the car, please." "But I'm not drunk, officer!" "Listen, it doesn't matter if you're drunk or not. If you don't get out of this car, I'll arrest you anyway." "Fine," ...
The lawyer
A dying man gives each of his best friends -- a lawyer, doctor and clergyman -- an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin. A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several months later, the ...
An explosive buzz
Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard ...
FORGET ABOUT IT
After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish ...
Guinness
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands ...
Knock Knock Henrietta
Girl: Knock, knock. Boy: Who’s there? Girl: Henrietta. Boy: Henrietta who? Girl: Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
Celebration
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven ...
Beethoven's Fury
Q: Why did Beethoven kill his chicken? A: It kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
Eat Your Carrots
Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? A: Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
No Big Deal
Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Knock Knock Annie
Boy: Knock, knock. Girl: Who’s there? Boy: Annie. Girl: Annie who? Boy: Annie one you like!