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Waiting on a Sign
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do ...
Tongue Action
A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the salesclerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde’s feet. "Try ...
The Letter
There was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it ...
Explanations
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One ...
Best Prescritions
My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill!"
Holy Water
Q: How do you make holy water? A: Boil the hell out of it.
Banana Key
Q: What kind of key opens a banana? A: A monkey.
Honest Liar
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, ...
Keeping Cool
So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She ...
Global Warming
China, Russia, and Poland venture to space. China says they'll go to Pluto because it's the farthest. Russia says they'll go to Jupiter because it's the biggest. Poland says they'll go to the Sun. Russia and China warn that they'll melt. They reply, "We'll ...
Monastery Madness
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big ...
Heavenly Trust Fund
The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. “I know I am going to die” he said ” and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to ...
Roadkill Cafe
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl ...
Ticket to Heaven
A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell ...
Baseball Perspective
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Positive Attitude
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
Prison Break
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Voters Anyone?
What does Barack Obama call illegal aliens? Undocumented democrats.
Millionaire
A 5th grade English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Alec!" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?" "Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly ...
Out of the World
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
Psychic
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Redneck Road Crossing
Q: Why did the redneck cross the road? A: He wanted to sleep in the ditch on the other side.
Blonde Beer
Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up.
No Back Seat
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat. "No!" yells the blonde. Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again. "For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, ...
Sex and Air
Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.