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What is the lightest...
Q: What is the lightest thing in the world? A: A penis because just a thought can lift it.
I don't mind that you are talking,...
I don't mind that you are talking, so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
Why is...
Q: Why is sex like math? A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.
A husband says to his wife, "You...
A husband says to his wife, "You know, our son got his brain from me." The wife replies, "I think he did. I still got mine with me!"
If you call one of those psychic...
If you call one of those psychic hotlines and they don't greet you by your name, you should hang up!
The Penis Study. The American Government funded...
The Penis Study. The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during ...
What is white when it's...
Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean? A: A chalkboard.
A teacher asks a student, "Are you...
A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."
I was at my bank today waiting...
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla ...
A mother said to her son, "Look...
A mother said to her son, "Look at that kid over there; he's not misbehaving." The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then!"
I never wanted to believe that my...
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
How do you leave...
Q: How do you leave a jackass in suspense? A: Don't know. I'll tell you tomorrow
Instead of "the John," I call my...
Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
Why did the bald man cut a...
Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket? He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.
A bank robber pulls out gun points...
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
There’s an elderly couple who has reached...
There’s an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn’t part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, “Everytime one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine.’” ...
What did the green grape...
Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape? A: "Breathe, stupid!"
A man in a hotel lobby turns...
A man in a hotel lobby turns to go to the front desk, but he accidentally runs into a woman beside him and his elbow bumps into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is soft as your breast, I know you'll ...
Love Lost, 
Love Found On Craigslist
The ad for the 14k white gold engagement ring in “like-new condition” included a caveat: 
It was worn “by Satan herself.” 
The ad then warned, “Ring may be cursed, as it tends to leave 
a path of destruction behind it.
More Funny Hashtags:
#UnlikelySequels: Titanic 2
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are...
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in ...
A teacher asked her students to use...
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles...
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?" Student: "A drinking problem."
Why did...
Q: Why did the fish blush? A: Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
How come there aren't any Mexicans on...
How come there aren't any Mexicans on Star Trek? They don't work in the future, either.