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A girl realized that she had grown...
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, ...
Regular Feeding
When my daughter and I caught only one perch on our fishing trip—not enough for even a modest lunch—we decided to feed it to her two cats. She put our catch in their dish and watched as the two pampered pets sniffed at the fish but refused to eat it.Thinking ...
What is the difference between...
Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train? A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"
A child asked his father, "How were...
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys ...
A woman gets on a bus with...
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right ...
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him...
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, ...
Cat Appetites
They make cat food out of cow, fish, turkey, chicken & lamb meat—but not mouse meat, which is probably all cats want.
Teacher: "Why are you so late?" Student:...
Teacher: "Why are you so late?" Student: "Someone told me to go to hell." Teacher: "Why did that make you late to class?" Student: "I couldn't find it at first, but now here I am."
Older Times
Our newer, high-speed computer was in the shop for repair, and my son was forced to work on our old model with the black-and-white printer. "Mom," he complained to me one day, "this is like we're living back in the twentieth century!"
A Fax?
You’re sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?
Zen Koans for the Internet Age
• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?• What is the sound of no hands texting?• If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?• To see a man’s true face, look to the 
photos he hasn’t posted.
Total @mateur
A client called my help desk saying she couldn’t send an e-mail. When I was done troubleshooting the problem, she interrupted me to ask, “Wait a minute, do I type @ in lower- or uppercase?”
Antisocial Media
Hate to break it to you, 
Facebook, but the entire Internet 
is already a Dislike button.
Router-stiltskin
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my 
first child.
The Most Confusing Password
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. 
The husband called out to his wife 
in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.We tried S123 several times, but 
it didn’t work. So we ...
Clean Your Plate
The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
When Siri Slips
After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”Here’s what Siri sent: “You need 
to get back to work now; you have 
a has-been to support.” ...
Electricity is Really Just...
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Teacher: "What is the...
Teacher: "What is the largest city?" Student: "Electricity!"
Wife: "I look fat. Can you...
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him...
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, ...
An elderly couple are in church. The...
An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
Wife: "In my dream, I saw you...
Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring." Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
One day Jimmy got home early from...
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question ...
A wife comes home late one night...
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she ...