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Dad: "Can I see your report card,...
Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?" Son: "I don't have it." Dad: "Why?" Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are...
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in ...
A young man goes into a drug...
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want ...
A mother said to her son, "Look...
A mother said to her son, "Look at that kid over there; he's not misbehaving." The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then!"
How do you...
Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a little boogie in it.
A father passing by his son's bedroom,...
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope ...
A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery...
A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says, "You haven't ...
Mother: "Are you talking back to me?!" Son:...
Mother: "Are you talking back to me?!" Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works."
A 3 years old boy sits near...
A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman. Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!
A kid walks up to his mom...
A kid walks up to his mom and asks, "Mom, can I go bungee jumping?" The mom says "No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"
Alfie was listening to his sister practice...
Alfie was listening to his sister practice her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols.""Thats nice of you, Alfie," she replied, "but why?"Alfie replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear your voice once a year!"
My sister asked me to take off...
My sister asked me to take off her clothes. So I took off her shirt. Then she said, “Take off my skirt.” So I took off her skirt. “Take off my shoes.” I took off her shoes. “Now take off my bra and panties.” So I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, ...
Three brothers wanted to give their blind...
Three brothers wanted to give their blind mom a birthday gift. The first got her a big beautiful house. The second got her a brand new luxury vehicle with a driver. The third got her a talking parrot to keep her company. When they all got together, they wanted ...
A mother went to pick up her...
A mother went to pick up her daughter from elementary school and found her doing handstands against the wall. When they got into the car, the mother said, "Darling, I wish you wouldn't do that because the boys can see your panties." "Okay, mommy," the little ...
A young boy came home from school...
A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a sissy." The mother asked, "What did you do?" The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse!"
Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your...
Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?" Student: "A heart attack."
A husband and wife have four boys....
A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns ...
Little Johnny likes to gamble.One day, his...
Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city.Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but ...
Why did the chicken cross the...
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!!
Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've...
Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache.""That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache ...
A little girl is serving her father...
A little girl is serving her father tea while her mother is out shopping. The mother comes home and the father says, "Watch this!" The little girl goes and serves the mother tea. The mother responds, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach ...
Assistant: "Sir, can I have a day...
Assistant: "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?" Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding."
A man tells his wife, "Honey, your...
A man tells his wife, "Honey, your mom fell down the stairs 15 minutes ago." The wife yells at him, "Why are you just telling me now?" He said, "Because I couldn't stop laughing."
A hillbilly family's only son saves up...
A hillbilly family's only son saves up money to go to college. After about three years, he comes back home. They are sitting around the dinner table, when the dad says, ''Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some ...
A child goes to his father and...
A child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?" The father answers, "Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, ...