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New Years Eve Party
Brunette: “You want to come to my New Year's Eve party? It starts at 7.” Blonde: “Sure what day is it?”
No Waiting
Worst New Year's Eve Pickup Line: "You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop."
2014
Overheard: "If 2014 was a person, I’d sue the S.O.B. for pain and suffering and lost wages."
Oceans Meet
Q: What did one ocean say to the other? A: Nothing, they just waved to each other.
Merry Christmas!
Q: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A: A rebel without a Claus! Q: What do you call an incomplete Christmas sentence? A: A Santa clause! Q: What goes "oh oh oh"? A: Santa walking backwards
Modern Santa
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
Parking Lot
So a town puts a bid notice in the paper to have a parking lot paved and three guys show up. First guy in is Polish. "Okay," says the mayor, "how much is your bid?" Polish guy says, "A hundred thousand dollars." Mayor says, "Could you break that down ...
Geology
Overheard at work: "I used to be embarrassed by my geology fetish, but I'm feeling a little boulder now."
Getting on the Bus
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her ...
Pirate's Favorite Letter
Boy: What's a pirates favorite letter? Girl: ARRR! Boy: Nope - it's the "C"!
Temptation
Q: How do you know Adam was French? A: Who else could stand beside a naked woman and be tempted by a fruit?
Sophisticated Canadian
Q: What do you call a sophisticated Canadian? A: American.
Canadian Idol
Q: What was the original title for the Canadian Idol TV show? A: The World's Biggest Hoser
Bags of Weed
A Jamaican walks into a bank with a 25 key bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier. Shocked, the teller asks, 'What's this for?' The Rastafarian replies, "Me here to open a joint account!"
Immigration
A German man walked up to an immigration desk in Warsaw. After a few basic questions, the clerk asked, "Occupation?" "No, just a holiday," the German replied.
Running Jokes 2
Q: Why do runners go jogging early in the morning? A: They want to finish before their brain figures out what they're doing. Q: Why did the chicken run across the road? A: There was a car coming.
Running Jokes 1
Q: Why was the blonde jogging backwards? A: She wanted to gain weight! Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Eyelid Transplant
After delivering a newborn, the doctor went to the parents with bad news. "I'm afraid your son was born without eyelids." The mother gasped and the father demanded, "What can we do about it?" The doctor said, "Don't worry, we'll do the circumcision and ...
3 Wise Guys
There were 3 guys who died on Christmas Eve and met St. Peter at heaven's gate. Peter said, "Since you all died on Christmas Eve, you all have to show me something that represents Christmas." The first guy put his hand in his pocket pulled out a lighter ...
No Santa Claus
Overheard in a Huntsville, Texas prison: I never believed in Santa Claus because even a five-year-old kid knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
Pets' Christmas
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs? A: Santa Paws! Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to cats? A: Santa Claws!
Winter Vampire
Q: What happened when the vampire bit Frosty the Snowman? A: He got frostbite!
The Difference
Q: What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? A: Santa stopped at 3 Ho’s!
Marriage 2
Overheard at the pub: Getting married is like playing cards - all you need to get started is 2 hearts and a diamond. But by the end, all you want is a club and a spade.
Marriage 1
Overheard at work: Marriage is a fine institution - if you like living in institutions...