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Christmas Suit
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Singing Elf
Q: What do you call an elf who sings? A: A Wrapper!
Turkey Fight
Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight? A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Turkeys
Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church? A: They use FOWL language!
Lipstick
Q: What did the duck say when she bought lipstick? A: "Put it on my bill!"
Venison
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "This mean comes from an animal whose name is what Mommy ...
Making Rice
An English teacher told his students that when pronouncing a word beginning with the letter "H" they should ignore the "H" as in hour, honor, and honest. Feeling peckish, he asked a student who was done with his homework, "Please go to my office and heat ...
Blonde Emergency
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911? A: She can't find the eleven.
Yo Mama Again
Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number." Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."
Suitcase
Girl: What do you love doing more than anything? Boy: Trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. Girl: Why is that? Boy: I can hardly contain myself.
3-Legged Dog
So a three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He sidled up to the bar and announced: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!'
Check
So I was having dinner with world chess champion Garry Kasporov last night and the cafe table had a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
Bad Kids
Police arrested two kids yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Darwin vs. God
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were ...
Food Supply
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Eggs!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
The Alphabet
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm ...
7 Degrees of Coon-Ass - 7th Degree
Returning home from work, Boudreaux was shocked to find his house ransacked and burglarized. He telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to ...
7 Degrees of Coon-Ass - 6th Degree
Boudreaux, a Cajun in his fourth year as a LSU Freshman, was sitting in his U.S. Government class when the professor asked Boudreaux if he knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Boudreaux pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George ...
7 Degrees of Coon-Ass - 5th Degree
Q: What did the Cajun girl ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A: "Is it mine?"
7 Degrees of Coon-Ass - 4th Degree
Boudreaux was bragging about his knowledge of state capitals. He proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of dem." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" Boudreaux replies, "Oh, dat's easy: It's W."
7 Degrees of Coon-Ass - 3rd Degree
Boudreaux suspects his wife of cheating on him, so he goes out and buys a gun. He goes to his house unexpectedly and when he opens the door he finds her in the arms of another man. Now Boudreaux is really angry. He pulls out the gun, and as he does so, ...
7 Degrees of Coon-Ass - 2nd Degree
Two Cajuns are walking down the street. One notices a woman's compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. He opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, dis person looks familiar." The second Cajun says, "Here, let me see!!" So the first Cajun ...
7 Degrees of Coon-Ass - 1st Degree
Boudreaux and his wife were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Boudreaux picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, dat's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The wife said, "Who was that my sweets?" Boudreaux answered, ...
Ahoy, Mate!
Q: Why did the sailor flush the toilet? A: Because it was his duty!
How Fast
Werner Heisenberg was pulled over and the police officer asked him, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" Dr. Heisenberg responded, "No, but I know where I am!"