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Social Security
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was ...
Downpour
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned ...
What's On?
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Household Chores
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer, etc. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. ...
Mad Cow
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow disease?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started... ...
Lifeline
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply ...
Knock Knock Cheese
Girl: Knock Knock! Boy: Who’s there? Girl: Cheese! Boy: Cheese who? Girl: Cheese a cute girl!
Barn Owl
Q: What is a barn owl's favorite subject in school? A: Owlgebra!
Snow Lover
Q: What's the problem with taking a snow-woman to bed? A: You wake up and she's all wet!
Blonde Sub
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? A: Knock on the hatch!
New Years Resolutions
New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping - Resolve to work with neglected children - your own. - Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym! - Spend less than five hours a day on the Internet. - Read the manual, right after you find it. - Spend ...
New Years Eve
Q: What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? A: He gave up thinking. Q: What's the problem with jogging on New Years Eve? A: The ice falls out of your drinks!
Dark Continent Gambling
Q: Why is gambling such a risky proposition in Africa? A: Because there are so many cheetahs there!
Blonde Snowman
Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one? A: You have to hollow out the head!
Aussie Sounds
A couple of verbal gags to try. First, say "Raise up lights" out loud. Now, say it again and listen with an ear for an Australian accent. "Razor blades"! Next, try the same thing with the nonsense phrase, "Well oil beef hooked"...
Frosty's Wife
Q: Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce? A: Because he thought his wife was a flake!
12 Days After Christmas
The first day after Christmas My true love and I had a fight And so I chopped the pear tree down And burnt it, just for spite Then with a single cartridge I shot that blasted partridge My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. The ...
Office Party
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. -- Phyllis Diller
Nativity Scene
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. -- Jay Leno
The Difference
Q: How do you tell the difference between a walrus and a banana? A: I don't know but you better find out because if you try to peel a walrus, watch out!
Different Ways
Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you? God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny? God: Just a second.
Raindrops
Q: What did one raindrop say to the other? A: Two's company, three's a cloud!
Life Change
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Name That Christmas Carol 2
Clues: 1. Loyal Followers Advance 2. Far Off in a Feeder 3. Array the Corridor 4. Bantam Male Percussionist 5. Monarchial Triad Answers: 1. O Come, All Ye Faithful 2. Away in a Manger 3. Deck the Hall 4. Little Drummer Boy 5. We Three ...
Name That Christmas Carol 1
Clues: 1. Bleached Yule 2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration 3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors 4. Righteous Darkness 5. Arrival Time 2400 hrs - Weather Cloudless Answers: 1. White Christmas 2. Chestnuts ...