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Godspeed
The nuns at a small convent were happy to learn that an anonymous donor had left his modest estate to them. Each nun had been left $50 in cash to give away as she saw fit. Each nun announced how she would spend her bequest. Sister Catherine Ann decided ...
Navajo Wisdom
A woman is driving home in Northern Arizona when she comes upon a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip has been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at ...
Psychology 101
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression. She posed this question to her students: "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, ...
Bird Brain
One day a man strolled in to the paint section of a hardware store and walked up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary colored paint," he says. "Sure" the clerk replies. "Mind if I ask what it's for?" "My parakeet, "the man said. "See, I want to enter ...
Doctor's Stamp of Approval
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp ...
Last Respects
At a motivational seminar 3 men are asked to come up to the stage. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear ...
Milk Money
An art connoisseur passed a little grocery in New York when he noticed a kitten on the front step lapping up some milk in a bowl. The cat was mangy with one ear half chewed off and clumps of fur missing. What really caught the collectors eye was the bowl the ...
Sharks on Dope
What is a shark's favorite illegal substance? ***Reefer!!
Beautiful Stone
A sales clerk in a retail shop arrived one morning wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of the clerks noticed the sparkler and asked about it. “My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy ...
Sideline Sassiness
I was sprawled on the living-room couch watching my favorite show on the Food Network when my husband walked in. "Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You don’t even cook." Glaring back at him, I asked, "Then why do you watch football?"
Defensive Driving
I'm not good at sports, but I like parallel parking. Unlike sports, the worse you are at parallel parking, the more people you have rooting for you.
Jersey Theft
Football players at the high school where I worked were stealing the practice jerseys, so the coach ordered a set with “Property of Central High School” emblazoned on them. When the thefts continued, he ordered a new batch that had the imprint “Stolen from ...
Sgt. Hottie
Recruits got a shock when their Air Force basic-training instructor turned out to be an attractive female sergeant. Her assistant, however, was a burly, hawk-nosed veteran whose glare could freeze water. At the end of training, the attractive instructor congratulated ...
Turn Signal Warning
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant. "I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should ...
Romance Interruptus
A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair ...
Bubba and Earl
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" Don't worry, Bubba", Earl ...
IRS Motto?
We've got what it takes... to take what you've got!
Three Men On a Hill
There were three men on a hill with their watches. The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke. The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke. The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, ...
Tom, Dick, and Harry at a Hotel
Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high. Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes. The second 200 ...
You Might Be A Democrat If...
You actually expect to collect Social Security. You know at least one Vegan. You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."
Slow Your Jets
Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in New York? On the first offense they give you Jets tickets, and on the second offense, they make you use them.
Aggie Kidnapper
There was an Aggie that was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him, "I've kidnapped you." The Aggie wrote a note saying ...
Blue Suit Funeral
An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
Life Insurance
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Celebrity Viruses
Ellen Degeneres virus... Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC Monica Lewinsky virus... Sucks all the memory out of your computer Mike Tyson virus... Quits after one byte Lorena Bobbit virus... Turns your hard disk into a 3.5-inch floppy Tonya Harding ...