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An End-of-School-Year Poem
Instead of drinking water, They gave me thinking water, Now I’m really smart. And instead of ice cream, They gave me nice cream, Now I’ve got a big heart. Instead of hot sauce, They gave me snot sauce, Now my tongue is gooey when I talk. And ...
Peanuts
An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. He loved peanuts and one day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn't ...
Windows 8 Joke
Windows 8 Store Windows 8 isn't selling so well. I was curious, so I drove to the new Microsoft store yesterday. It's a nice-looking store, all out in the open in the center of the mall, solid glass front from floor to ceiling. I could not find the door ...
Communist Quips
Q: What's meant by an exchange of opinions in the ruling party in a Communist? A: It's when you go to a party meeting with your own opinion and leave with the party's. Q: What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes? A: The queue waiting to buy meat in ...
Little Red Riding Hood in Texas
Little Red Riding Hood goes out into a forest in Texas and this time she's hiding a .44 in her package of goodies, ready for action. The wolf follows her into the woods and grabs her from behind. 'Now that I've got you I'm going to **** you until dawn,' ...
A Pair of Fish-y Jokes
Q: Why don't fish like basketball? A: Cause they're afraid of the net. Q: Which fish can perform operations? A: A Sturgeon!
Vacuum Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the ...
Future of Medicine
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will ...
Work vs. Chores
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.” “We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. ...
Number Sense
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then ...
My Dad Makes Big Money
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’ The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of ...
Laughing Cow
If a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out of her nose, too?
City Slickers and Watermelon
Two farmers were having a great day at the local farmers' market. Farm trucks were loaded down with fresh, local produce and customers were in a buying mood. But the mood changed when one farmer turned to his neighboring vendor with a disgusted look on ...
Blonde's Drivers License
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. The blonde replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show ...
Skeleton Dance
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? A: Because it had no body to go with.
Counting Babies
Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins." "What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball ...
Black and Brown
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman Pinscher.
2 Cat Jokes
Q: How does a cat count? A: One, mew, three! Q: How does a cat sing a musical scale? A: Do-ri-me-ow!
The Polack Know-It-All
An Italian, an American, and a Polack were arrested by the French for their crimes and are taken to the guillotine. The executioner places the Italian on the block and asks if he has any last words. The Italian replies, "I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may ...
Redneck Girl Gets Dumped
Redneck Dad: "Why you crying?" Redneck Girl: "My boyfriend dumped me!" Her dad grabs his shotgun and rushes out the door shouting, "That son of a gun! I'll be back!" An hour later he comes back looking much happier. Girl: "Why did you go kill Billy ...
Little Johnny and His Dad's Birthday
Little Johnny and his mother and her son were out shopping for his father's birthday present and she said, “Sweetie, look around for a birthday present for your father. He wants something electric.” Little Johnny replied, “OK, mom. How about a chair?”
Horse Memories
Q: What did one horse say to the other horse? A: Your pace is familiar but I can't remember your mane.
The Cubs Lose Again
Overheard at Wrigley Field in Chicago: "At least the Cubs are trying. They installed a new pitching machine the other day. Unfortunately it beat them in a practice game, 4-1."
Teacher Romance
Q: A physics instructor was dating a biology teacher, but things didn't work out. Why did they break up? A: Because there was no chemistry...
Speed of Light
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.