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Cockfights
Q: How do you know if a Pole is at a cockfight? A: He's the one with a duck. Q: How do you know if an Italian is there? A: He bets on the duck. Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there? A: The duck wins.
Mafia Funeral
Q: How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? A: Just one. To slam the car trunk shut.
Mafia Humor
Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness!
Computer Scientists
Q: How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist? A: An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when he talks to you.
Dark
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
Fish
A man with two buckets of fish was stopped by a game-warden leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet ...
Polish Eye Chart
A Polack goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters: C Z Y N Q S T A S Z. The Optometrist asks, "Can you read this?" "Read it?" the Polack replies, "I know the guy!"
Dalmatian Jokes
Q: What did the hungry Dalmatian say after his meal? A: "That hit the spots!" Q: Why are Dalmatians no good at "Hide and Seek"? A: They're always spotted!
Golfers Wedding
A man is getting married, and is standing by his bride at the church. Standing by him is his golf clubs and bag. His bride whispers: "What are your golf clubs doing here?" And the man said "This is not going to take all day is it?"
Snails
Tom’s wife was hosting a dinner party for some of her close friends, at their summer home. Moment’s before the guests were scheduled to arrive, she asked Tom if he would be ever so gracious to walk a block down to the beach to pick up some fresh snails for ...
Horse Into a Bar
So a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face". The horse says, "Depression is nothing to joke about."
Monkeys in Space
NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut on board. After months of training, they placed all three in the shuttle and prepared for launch. Mission Control Center announced, "This is Mission Control to Monkey One. Do your ...
Conan on the NSA
"Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book '1984' have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It's making Americans read." "According to a poll, the majority of Americans are OK with the Obama administration ...
South African Stamps
The South African Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Zuma on it but it was noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and R1.5 ...
Penguin Delivery
A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus. An hour later, the zoo worker ...
Monopoly
President Obama said, "We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money." "Oh really? How come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards?" -- Jay Leno
Valentine's Jokes
Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? A: Forget-me-nuts. Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called? A: His ghoul-friend. Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune? A: Because it couldn't get a date.
Olympics Joke 3
"So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them." -- Conan O'Brien
Olympics Joke 2
"Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt." –Stephen Colbert
Olympics Joke 1
"I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court." —Craig Ferguson
Picking Winners
Q: How do jockeys pick the favorites in horse races? A: They take a gallop poll!
The Church Choir
3 reasons to join the church choir: 3. For a few hours a week, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendinitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control 2. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from ...
Love Letter
Dear John, I know it was our joint decision for you to go off to the Army for the year, but it’s so hard not having you here. We are married, doesn’t it make sense that we should be together? I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here. Love, Anne ...
Hot Love
A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by re-walking their first walk together. They come to the fence against which they first made love. The husband says, "Come on, for old time's sake." The wife agrees and they both undress. Afterwards, the husband ...
Unbelievable
Q: What do you call an unbelievable story about a basketball player? A: A tall tale.