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America vs. Japan
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by ...
Sweet Jokes
Q: What kind of keys to kids like to carry? A: Cookies! Q: Why do basketball players love cookies? A: Because they can dunk them!
Groundhog Day
Q: Why was the groundhog depressed about his appearance? A: He was having a bad lair day! Q: What do you call a groundhog who eats too much? A: A roundhog
Go Broncos!
Q: Why does Richard Sherman of the Seahwaks keep his Wonderlic results on their dash board? A: So he can park in a handicap space. --- Q: Why did the Seahawk players miss their flight for the big game? A: They were stuck on a broken escalator in ...
Religious Lions
Q: Are lions religious? A: Yes, because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
No Music Back Then
A devout Wahabi Muslim hailed a cab and jumped in. Hearing the driver's rock-and-roll music, the Wahabi said, "Please turn off the radio. My religion teaches that I must not listen to such music." "Why's that, mac?" The driver asked. "Because in the ...
Life Is...
Life really is like a box of chocolates. Neither one lasts long for fat people.
Jokes are Hard
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday night? A: Tell her a joke Monday morning!
Amazing Legs
Ian went to the pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table. Walking up to her, he said, "Those are some amazing legs!" The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so?" "Definitely," Ian said, "most tables would have collapsed ...
He's Number 1
Dan was the skinniest player on his high school football team and Little Johnny asked him, are you so good that they had to give you number 1?" "No, I sit on the bench, mostly," Dan said. Turning to his friend, Little Johnny shouted, "I told you he got ...
Bank Robber
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks: "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly. He then ...
Blonde's Medicine Cabinet
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills!
Redlight
So I was sitting opposite an Indian lady on the bus home today. Despite the noise, she shut her eyes and went to sleep. A few minutes later I noticed that she'd stopped breathing. Thinking she had died, I started to pull the emergency stop cord. Then ...
Girl's Ages
What is the difference between girls / women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, and 58? At 8: You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18: You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28: You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38: ...
Little Johnny's Grandpa
After his school's sex ed class, Little Johnny was curious and asked his grandpa, "Do you still have sex with granny?" Grandpa said, "Yes, but only oral." Johnny asked, "What is oral?" Grandpa says: "I say screw you, she says screw you too, and we ...
The Cheerleaders
Our high school has lots of spirit, but that doesn’t help the football team, which has yet to win a game. During one defeat, the principal saw some cheerleaders sitting in the stands. The principle asked, “Don’t you think you girls should be down there ...
Knock Knock Police
Boy: Knock, knock. Girl: Who's there? Boy: Police. Girl: Police who? Boy: Police hurry up, it's cold out here!
Be Nice...
A brother and sister were walking down the street when the girl pointed at an older, extremely obese couple and started to laugh. "Be nice to fat people," her brother said. "Why?" "They have enough on their plate!"
Ugh, Math
Fact: An opinion without 3.142... is just an onion.
Little Johnny's Baby Brother
Little Johnny was lonely at Christmas, so he wrote Santa a heartfelt letter: "Dear Santa, I've been good! Please send me a baby brother!" Christmas came and went, but no baby appeared. Then in March, Santa wrote back: "Send your mother to the North ...
North Korea's Leadership
The North Korean News Agency recently revealed that former dictator Kim Jong Il died from anxiety. Seems the under-tall leader believed he was heroically defending North Korea from a Godzilla attack and the stress drove him to his grave.
Football Makes Sense to Blondes
A guy took a blonde to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the guys with their tight pants and big muscles, ...
Knock Knock Ya
Boy: Knock, knock. Girl: Who's there? Boy: Ya. Girl: Ya who? Boy: Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
Forever Gift
Last year, I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. This year, I decided not to buy her anything. When my wife asked me why, I replied, "Well, she still haven't used the gift I bought her last year!" And that's how the fight started... ...
Mirror, Mirror
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And ...