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You're a Teacher If...
You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick. You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"
Signs You're Broke
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" Your bologna has no first name. Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore. On Thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a Thanksgiving meal.
Peaceful Death
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
24 Hour Notice
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” The ...
That's It!
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. ...
Keep Off the Grass
A punk rock girl with acute appendicitis needs immediate surgery. As the nurse preps the girl, she finds that her pubic hair is dyed green with a tattoo above, reading "Keep off the grass." After the operation, the punk rock chick wakes up to find a ...
Zoo Elephant
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today. We were walking around and before long he shouted, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' ...
Bible Money Managers
Q. Who was the best male money manager in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his Stock while everyone else was in Liquidation Q. Who was the best female money manager in the Bible? A. Pharoah's daughter. She went to the bank of the Nile and pulled out ...
The Fearless Bullfighter
After the fire truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping ...
Managers and Light Bulbs
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? 1) A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change. 2) None, they like to keep employees in the dark. 3) "This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, ...
Hamster Humor
Q: What did the mother hamster say to her children when they wanted a bedtime story? A: I don't have a tale!
None of Your Business
After not hearing from the widow next door for a few days, Little Johnny's mom got a bit nervous. "Do me a favor and go find out how old Mrs. Robinson is,” she told him. So Little Johnny went down the stairs and his mother watched as he knocked on Mrs. ...
Maybe This Will Work for You!
Sam walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to ...
Ornithology Test
Joe was taking a college course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready. The morning ...
Tech Support Tales, 1
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. ...
2 Polak Jokes
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him? A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover". Q: How do you sink a polish battleship? A: Put it in water.
Managers...
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve." Three ...
Sex is like your salary
You don't disclose what you get but you always think that others get more than you
The brain is a marvelous thing
The human brain is most outstanding thing....... it functions 24hrs 365 days..... it functions right from the time you are Born .... until you fall in love
Mike Tyson
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
Bob Hope Quote
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
A Love Story
I shall seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and control you. I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan. I will make you beg for mercy. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you. And ...
Proud Father
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds. Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical ...
The Doctor is NOT in
There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner. After ...
Bar Crawl
An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close. He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Outside, he tries ...