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You Might be White Trash if...
...The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife. ...You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. ...Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. ...Your front porch collapses ...
Mexican Uno
Q: Why can't Mexicans win at Uno? A: Because they spend the whole game trying to get the green cards.
You Might be a Taliban if...
...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. ...You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. ...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. ...You can't think ...
Immigration Policy
Q: What does Barack Obama call illegal aliens? A: Undocumented Democrats.
Quick Diagnoses
A young man had completed medical school, then he went back home to the small town to work with his father. They went out the first day to make house calls. As they went in the first house the father said, "Now you just watch me so you will know what to ...
Knock Knock Cash
Boy: Knock Knock! Girl: Who’s there? Boy: Cash! Girl: Cash who? Boy: No thanks, but I’d like some peanuts!
What's in a Name?
There were two farmers that had been friends for years. One had a son, the other a daughter. Eventually, the two kids started dating. All was well until the girl's father went to his friends house one day and said that the two kids had to stop dating. "Well, ...
Somebody Poisoned the Water Hole
The farmer's wife went to the doctor one day and told him that her husband wasn't performing in the bedroom anymore because he couldn't "rise to the occasion". The doctor goes through his case of sample drugs and hands her a bottle of pills. He tells her to ...
A Voice in the Darkness
The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. There was no answer, so she called again. Finally, ...
Tech Support Tales, 2
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, ...
Hungry Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the ...
Back to School 2
Girl: What’s the king of all school supplies? Boy: I don’t know. What? Girl: The ruler.
Ancient History
Boy: Why was school easier for cave people? Girl: Why? Boy: Because there was no history to study!
Lost Tail
Q: Where did the monkey go when he lost his tail? A: To a retail store!
State Mottos
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
High Cost of Education
A math professor was administering the final exam to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached ...
All Idiots Must Stand
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one student rose to her feet. "Now then young lady, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually ...
Beer Joke
So a guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm and says to the bartender, "I’ll take a beer, and one for the road."
Aye Chihuahua!
A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the ...
Double Thieves
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight, doc. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer." When his lawyer ...
Know Your Limits
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
God Answers Prayers
There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house. The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have ...
Home Butt Hiding
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck ...
Knock Knock Nana
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nana. Nana who? Nana your business!
Basic Training Humor
A novice drill instructor was escorting new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's ...