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Knock Knock Toucan
Girl: Knock knock! Boy: Who's there? Girl: Toucan! Boy: Toucan who? Girl: Two can live as cheaply as one! Boy: Knock knock! Girl: Who's there? Boy: Toucan! Girl: Toucan who? Boy: Two can play at this game!
Little Johnny and the Well
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. When little Johnny got up to read his it began, "My dad fell down into a well last week." "Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He ...
Dinner Invitation
A man called his wife on the phone and said, "Honey, I invited Chip home for supper tonight." "What? Are you crazy?" His wife demanded. "The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I ...
Killing Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking about with a fly swatter in his hand. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," He responded. "Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. "How can ...
Jesus Plays Golf
A priest, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf and the priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole. Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green a few inches from the ...
Finding His Wife
A man went up to a very beautiful woman in a large grocery store and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you chat with me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" "Because every time I speak ...
Out of Essentials
A hot-looking woman gestures alluringly to the bartender who, naturally, comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively leans in toward him and begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with ...
Mexican Jokes 2
Q: What's a Mexican favorite book store? A: Borders. --- A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane and make a bet that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says, "We ...
Aussie Jokes 2
Q: Did you hear about the Aussie who had a brain transplant? A: The brain rejected him a week later. Q: What do Australian girls use for protection during sex? A: A bus stop shelter.
Women on Men
A Woman's Perspective on Men: Q: Why do men like love at first sight? A: It saves them a lot of time. Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? A: Dating children. Q: How can you tell soap operas are fictional? A: ...
Complaining Passenger
On reaching his plane seat a man was surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asked the stewardess for a coffee and the parrot squawked "And get me a whiskey, you silly cow!" The flustered stewardess brought back a whiskey for the parrot but ...
Little Johnny and Michelle
Little Michelle was not the best student in Sunday school, in part because she usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Michelle, who created the universe?" When she didn't stir, little Johnny ...
DIfferent Minds
Men and women have very different ways of looking at the same situation. If there's any doubt, consider the following: A woman left the following note for her husband: "Please go to the market after work and get a quart of milk and, if they have nectarines, ...
Cold Weather
How cold is it outside this winter? It's so cold I actually saw a gansta boy pull his pants back up!
Happy Together
For a woman to be happy with a man, she needs to understand him a lot and love him a little. For a man to be happy with a woman, he has to love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Picking Lemons
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman wasn't sure about giving her the position. "Do you have any experience picking lemons?" he asked. "I sure do," she exclaimed. "I've been divorced three times."
More Lives
Q: Which animal has more lives, a cat or a frog? A: Frogs must have more because they're constantly croaking!
Aussie Jokes 1
Q: What's the difference between Aussies and pigs? A: Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink. Q: What's the difference between an Australian and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What's the difference ...
How Fathers Dress
Jerry Seinfeld: "All fathers essentially dress in the clothing style of the last good year of their lives."
Incurable Romantic
Everyone knows that you give Penicillin to a man who has everything, but what do you call a man with HIV and Herpes? An "Incurable Romantic"
Not Going Deaf After All
A man was speeding down the highway when a police officer pulled him over. The man apologized for exceeding the limit, hoping to get out of a ticket. "Sir, I stopped you because you left your wife at the last fuel station," the officer stated. "Thank ...
Growing Up
A well-do-do woman had just finished a short speech extolling the virtues of family, business, and the Protestant work ethic when a man she'd known as a student confronted her. "You're such a hypocrite," the man told her. "I remember when you hated corporations, ...
English-Irish Car Crash
Two men, one English and one Irish man, driving too fast at night on a wet, winding road, collide on a sharp bend. Both cars are destroyed, but the men are unhurt and, in celebration of their luck, agree to put aside their dislike for the other's nationality. ...
The Longest Word
What is the longest word in the English language? "Smiles". There's a mile between its first and last letters!
Chuck Norris Jokes 2
Chuck Norris once dug a hole with a spoon. It's now more commonly known as the Grand Canyon. Chuck Norris once won a Nascar race in a wheelchair. Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime. Chuck ...