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Engineering the Human Body
Three engineering students gather to discuss the possible designers of the human body. One says, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another says, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical ...
Medical Career
The guidance counselor asked a teenaged student, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" "A doctor," the young man said immediately. "And why's that?" "Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then ...
Blonde With Appendicitis
A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I have a boyfriend and I came here to get medical help."
Athletic College Exam, part 1
SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM 1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Write a 10,000 word dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the ...
Cannibal Meal
Over dinner, the cannibal said to his wife, "You know, I've tried, but I just don’t like your mother." His wife replied, "Try the potatoes."
Black and White
Q. What goes black and white, black and white, black and white? A. A penguin rolling down a hill.
Praising the Lord
Waking up each morning, a religious women would open her front door, stand on the porch, and shout, “Praise the Lord!” This infuriated her atheist neighbor and he often made it a point to counter back by yelling, “There is no Lord!” One morning the ...
Home Street
2 buckets of vomit were walking down the street when one of them says to the other, "I was brought up around here."
Clang Clang
Q: What's green and goes "clang clang"? A: A dang green clang clanger Q: What's red and goes "clang clang"? A: A fire truck
Cough Syrup
A pharmacist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant. "He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives instead." "You idiot!" The pharmacist ...
Little Johnny's Suspension
After Little Johnny was again caught lying to his teacher again, Ms. Smith had had enough. “Stand up in front of the class, Johnny” she said. “You can decide your own punishment. I want you to make a statement: If it’s true you get detention, if it’s false ...
The Blonde's Puzzle
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." The boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According ...
Nelson Mandela
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson just ...
Sense Compensation
If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance. -- Unknown
Of UFOs, Liberals, and Jackasses
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. Many say this incident has been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal organizations. ...
Excessive Celebration
Overheard: "My wife and I were at her high school reunion and she kept staring at a drunk guy sitting alone at a nearby table and swigging on beer after beer." "Do you know him?" I asked. "He's my old boyfriend," she answered. "My friends tell me that ...
Afghani Women
An American journalist did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict and noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. Upon returning to Kabul recently, she observed that women still ...
Energized
Q: Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny was arrested? A: He was charged with Battery!
Capitalization!
Think about it: Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse. Yeah, thought you'd see it that way!
Drunk Man
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After ...
Warning Sign
If I'm dating someone who marches around hoisting and waving her favorite Communist keepsake, that's a huge red flag.
Little Johnny and Obama Voters
After President Obama visited their classroom, the teacher asked her class how many of them would have voted for the president. Not really knowing what this meant but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids except for Little Johnny raised their ...
Little Johnny Meets the President
President Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and he visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings and the teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion ...
Ugly Baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: ...
Hunting Accident
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says ...