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Circle of Trust
Only people with big butts are allowed into my circle of trust. They cannot lie.
Gun Control, Texas-style
Around midnight, a woman from Houston , Texas was arrested for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse. Three days later, the woman was called in front of the Arraignment Judge, sworn-in, and asked to explain her actions. ...
Not Good Enough
Overheard at the local watering hole: "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, ...
Spinning Orientals
If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Blonde Going to Heaven
A blonde girl died and met Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test. But it's an easy one," he added when the blonde looked worried." "Who was God's son?" asked Saint Peter. The blonde ...
Alone in the Forest
If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him, is he still wrong?
Husband's Location
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A widow.
Sports Media Bias
Two boys were playing football in Central Park when one was attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and uses it as leverage to break the huge dog's neck. Seeing this, ...
Little Johnny Does Math
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework when his mother heard him say: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two." "Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four." "Three and three" "Where did you learn to say that?" His mother interrupted. When Little ...
Line at the Bank
Stuck in a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a massage ...
Tapering Off
George went to the doctor because he always seemed to be exhausted, but he wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation. "You want me to give up sex completely?" George cried. "I'm still in the prime of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex ...
The Honeymooners
A new bride was embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner because of what people would assume about what she and her new husband were up to in their room. So when they pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear ...
Commie Informant
At the height of the Cold War, an East German man hoping to be rewarded for his loyalty contacted the secret police to inform on some acquaintances. "I think my neighbors have suspicious contact with the West," the snitch said. Stasi agent: "How can ...
Pasta Postcard
One day a doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard from Italy and I don't understand what it means." "Read it to me," the busy physician said. So the wife read the card: "4 orders of spaghetti, 2 with ...
Knock Knock Lettuce
"Knock knock!" "Who's there?" "Lettuce." "Lettuce who?" "Lettuce in and you'll find out!"
Helicopter Rescue
A helicopter rescued eleven people after their yacht capsized. 10 men and a woman were hanging on a rope under the chopper when they realized that the engine was not strong enough to carry them all. They decided that one has to drop off before they all ...
Spanish Food
After watching an exciting bull fight, an American visiting Spain goes into a restaurant for dinner. While he waits for his meal, a waiter walks by with a steaming plate of food. Stopping him, the American asks what it is. The waiter replies, "Bull testicles, ...
Communist Potatoes
Let your mind drift back into the history books of the 1950s: Russian farm worker: Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to Heaven! Stalin: But God does not exist; therefore, Heaven ...
Missing Husband
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6' 2", with blonde wavy hair, and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify ...
Winking Salesman
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. ...
American Charity
Despite warnings from his guide, an American skiing in Switzerland got separated from his group and fell - uninjured - into a deep crevasse. Several hours later, a rescue party found the yawning pit. Trying to reassure the stranded skier, they shouted ...
Mexican Jokes 2
Q: What do you call a Mexican who can swim? A: A Texan. Q: Did you hear about the 4-car crash in Mexico today? A: 243 people, 7 goats, and 11 chickens were injured. Q: How does a Mexican get into an honest business? A: Through the window.
Texas A&M Aggie Jokes 2
An Aggie had just completed his studies and was awarded a BS Degree in mechanical engineering. He was immediately hired by the Texas highway department and given a painting the yellow stripe down the middle of a highway. After three days, however, his boss ...
Chuck Norris Jokes 2
The power of one Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is enough to light up Australlia for 44 minutes. Only Chuck Norris can divide by zero. When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn't lift himself up. He pushes the world down. If Chuck Norris is late, time ...
Cheating Wife
Beauregard discovered his wife in the arms of her lover. Mad with rage, he shot her dead on the spot. After a trial, the jury brought in a verdict of justifiable homicide. Just as Beauregard was about to leave the courtroom a free man, the judge stopped ...