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What Do You Call 2
Q: What do you call two guys who stand quietly by your window? A: Curt and Rod (Say it fast!)
When to Laugh
The one who laughs last is the slowest, whereas the one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
Country Kinfolk
Susie Lee done fell in love, She planned to marry Joe. She was so happy 'bout it all, She told Pappy so. Pappy told her, Susie gal, You'll have to find another, I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know, but Joe is yo' half brother. So Susie put aside Joe ...
Blonde Tonsillectomy
When the surgeon came in to look check on the blonde after her operation, she hesitated but finally asked him how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "Err, I really haven't given it much thought," replied the surprised doctor. "It's ...
Safe Sex
Q: What's another name for teenagers whose only Sex Education comes from "Abstinence Only" programs? A: Parents
Stolen Car
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy street. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming as she missed her chance ...
Cattle Guards
A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so Obama ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire ...
Wife's Birthday Present
A man was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate ...
Acts of God
A poor minister's wife was expecting a baby, so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule such that, when the minister's family expanded, so would his pay check. Several years went by ...
You Might Be a Redneck 1
You might be a redneck if... Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging; or, You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance; or, Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Men vs. Tile
Q: How are men like ceramic floor tile? A: If you lay either one properly the first time you can walk all over it for a lifetime!
Pakistani Toilet
A Pakistani comes to America and begins working in an office environment. He is unfamiliar with American advances in toiletry and, on his first day on the job, he comes back from the men's room saying he can't find the usual hole in the ground. His boss explains ...
Vacation and Pregnancy
Billy Bob and Jimmie Ray were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob says, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go, but this year's gonna be different." "Why's that?" Jimmie Ray asked. "Why? ...
Order of Creation
Q: Why did God create Adam before Eve? A: Because He didn't want anyone telling Him the right way to make man!
Effective Birth Control
Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50? A: Nudity.
Is God Real?
An atheist professor was teaching a class and announced that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by and the professor kept ...
Blonde's Boss Leaves Early
Three women all work for the same female boss. Every the boss left work early and, one day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they`d be right behind her. She never called or came back, so how was she to know? Afterward, the brunette was thrilled ...
Pesky Parrot
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making. Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give ...
Government Work and the Genie
A bored government worker decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantle," he said and took it home with him. When he polished the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted ...
The Clintons and Teen Pregnancy
Q: While she was First Lady, how did Hilary Clinton help to reduce teen pregnancies and prevent sexually-transmitted diseases among young women? A: She got Bill to start wearing condoms!
Roommates or More?
Eating at John's apartment, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful her son's roommate was. Suspicious of their relationship, the young woman's good looks only made the mother more curious. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what ...
Engineers in the Restroom
Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash and dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was ...
Only in America
Only in America... ...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. ...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while ...
U.S. Health Plan Humor
Some quotes from American humorists on the subject: "President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow ...
Little Johnny Kicks the Animals
Little Johnny woke up and wanted breakfast, but his mother said, "Not until you feed the animals." Johnny went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today," and he kicked the chicken instead of feeding it. He did the same ...