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Little Johnny and the Fire Station
Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?" Seeing little Johnny's hand shoot up, the firefighter called ...
Nigerian Justice
A foreigner is convicted of a crime and sentenced to death by torture. He is amazed, however, when the day for his punishment comes and he is put into a queue with a large number of unconcerned inmates. He asks, "What do they do to you here?" A fellow ...
Saudi Soccer
An important rugby match was being held in Saudi Arabia and an Australian, a South African, and a New Zealand were watching and sharing a smuggled bottle of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. Possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi ...
Ton of Dynamite
A guy brought a girl back to his place. After a while, the man took off his shirt and said, "You're looking at 1,000 pounds of dynamite here, baby!" The girl seemed intrigued, so he took off his pants and said, "This is another 1,000 pounds of dynamite." ...
Chinese Jokes 1
Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China? A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides. Q: How does every Chinese joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder. Q: Did you hear about the new American Express Card they are issuing in Red China? ...
Ghost and Bees
Q: What did the ghost say when he peeked into a bee hive? A: Boo, bees!
Jealous Eve
After Adam stayed out very late, Eve became upset. "You're running around with another woman," she sobbed. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep. He awoke ...
Cat Jokes 1
Q: Can a cat play patty-cake? A: Pawsibly! Q: Is anything smarter than a cat that can count? A: Yes, a spelling bee! Q: Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? A: He set a new lap record. Q: Did you hear about the pregnant cat ...
Talking Frog
A young boy found a frog that said, “Kiss me and I will become a beautiful princess.” After looking at the frog for a long time, the boy put it in his pocket. “Hey!” The frog croaked. "How come you didn’t kiss me?” “I’d rather have a talking frog ...
Skinny Jeans
Note to all you guys out there wearing skinny jeans - you're taking the phrase "Getting into her pants" in completely the wrong way!
The Hardest Years
Two ladies were talking excitedly because one of them had just become engaged. She was a bit nervous and asked her friend for some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest," the married woman said at once. "That's good to know," the bride-to-be said. ...
Valentine's Day Offer
Bob and Amy were on a date on Valentine's Day. Hoping to impress her, he looked deeply into her eyes and said, "I'll do anything you want, my beauty, but on one condition." Amy, entranced, asked, "What's your condition?" "That you tell me your desire ...
Valentine's Day Gift
Jon: "Did you get your wife anything for Valentine's Day?" Tom: "I sure did! I bought her a new belt and bag set?" "That was nice of you," Jon said. "Did she like them?" "Actually no," Tom said. "But the vacuum cleaner will work much better now." ...
Valentine's Day Tom Swiftie
“Mary doesn't love me. She tore my Valentine in two!” said Tom half-heartedly.
Valentine's Day Dream
After waking up, a woman told her husband, "I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think that means?" "You’ll find out tonight," he said. That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. ...
Polacks Fishing
Two Polacks rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. Amazed at the number of fish that they caught, one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!" The second guy asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?" The first guy takes ...
Longhorn at the Beach
Q: What should you do if you see a t.u. Longhorn fan buried up to his neck in sand? A: Go and get more sand!
All the Good Men
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man. This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want. ...
Fish Jokes
Q: Why do fish like worms? A: Because they're hooked on 'em. Q: Why did the fish blush? A: Because he saw the boat's bottom.
No-armed Cat Fight
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who gets in a fight with a hungry alley cat? A: Claude
Snowman Noses
Two snowmen were standing side-by-side and one of them says to the other, "Do you smell carrots?"
Blonde and the Dog
A blonde and her husband had been in bed listening to the neighbor's dog bark for hours. The blonde jumps up and says "I've had enough of this!" When she finally comes back, her husband says, "The dog is still barking. What where you doing?" The blonde ...
2 Couples Jokes
Q: Why does a man ask for a woman's hand in marriage? A: Because he's tired of using his own! --- After their first night together, the young groom asked his wife, "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Her immediate reply: "Unfertilized, thank ...
Timing is Everything
A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple in a parked car. Curious, he stops and sees a man in the driver's seat and a young lady in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine. The officer knocks on the window and asks the man ...
Soccer Jokes
Q: Why do soccer players do so well in math? A: They know how to use their heads. Q: What’s harder to catch the faster you run? A: Your breath! Q: Why should you not play soccer on the African plains? A: There are too many cheetahs! Q. What runs ...