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The Programmer and the Genie
A computer programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. After rubbing the lamp, a genie appeared. Genie: "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish." The programmer pulled out a map ...
America's Vote and Hostess
It's too bad about Hostess going out of business, but Americans shouldn't be surprised that they've lost their Twinkies. That's what happens when people vote like Ding Dongs!
Dead Drunk Spouse and the Right Words
A man goes out with the boys, comes home drunk, breaks some crockery, vomits, and falls down on the floor... Hearing the commotion, his wife pulls him up and cleans everything. The next day when he gets up he expects her to be really angry with him.... ...
Jesus and Satan Computer Showdown
Jesus and Satan were arguing about who got the most out of his computer. Finally God became tired of all of the bickering. "We'll decide this in a 2-hour competition," God thundered. "I will set up a test and judge who does the better job." So Jesus ...
A Frog Gets a Loan
A frog hopped into a bank and told Ms. Stack, the loan officer, that he needed $500 to improve his dwelling place. "Do you have an collateral?" She asked. "This is all I have," the frog said, handing her a shiny glass bead that looked something like ...
What it Means to be a Vegetarian
As you are undoubtedly aware, there are Asian Indians and American Indians. Many Indians from the Asian sub-continent are Hindu and therefore vegetarians by choice. But did you know that the American Indian word for vegetarian means "poor hunter"?
Mexican Jokes 1
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everyone who can run, jump, and swim has already crossed the border! Q: If you were describing a little Mexican boy in literary terms, what would he be? A: A paragraph, because he's not quite ...
Iraq on Jeopardy
It recently came out that former President George W. Bush sought help on Iraq from Ken Jennings, the champion of the popular game show "Jeopardy!" To make Jennings more comfortable, Bush aides hired Alex Trebek to moderate the interview in game-show format. ...
Smoking Attire
Did you hear about the new line of clothing for smokers. It's intentionally sized bigger so the paramedics don’t have to cut it off of you. But seriously, the new line of attire is very functional. There's a blue jean jacket has electric heart paddles sewed ...
3 New Year's Jokes
On New Year's Eve, the host of an extravagant party stood up in the middle of the room and announced that, at the stroke of midnight, she wanted every man to be standing next to the person who made his life worth living. This was a bad idea. As the clock struck ...
Wrong Way Ralph
A senior citizen named Ralph was driving down the freeway and grousing at the traffic. Just then his phone rang. Seeing the call came from his wife, he answered. "Ralph, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280," his wife ...
Texas A&M Aggie Jokes 1
Q: Why don't Aggies like to eat M&Ms? A: They're too hard to peel. Q: Did you know that there are three types of Aggies? A: Those who can do math and those who can't. Q: Did you hear about the Aggie at the stop sign? A: There's not much to ...
Taking a Hammer to Bed
Q: Why did a man take a hammer to bed? A: He wanted to hit the sack!
4 Clean Jewish Jokes
Now that Christmas is over... Q: What's the ultimate Jewish Catch-22? A: Free Ham! Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry! Q: What's the difference between a Jew ...
Chuck Norris Jokes 1
In honor of seeing The Expendables 2 recently: Chuck Norris is the only person to ever beat a brick wall in tennis. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. The Boogeyman looks under his bed every night to make sure that Chuck Norris isn’t hiding under ...
Serving in the Lord's Army
After the Christmas morning service, John walked quickly out of church, but the preacher was faster and grabbed Jack by the arm and pulled him aside. "Son, today of all days, it should be obvious that you need to join the Army of the Lord!" The pastor ...
Christmas Spending Jokes
"'Fiscal cliff' is a big fancy phrase right now. If you want people to understand though, use language they get: 'We're headed for Broke-Ass Mountain.' That’s what it is." "Are you sick and tired of hearing the term 'fiscal cliff'? People don’t understand ...
The End of the World
It turned out that none of the Mayan calendar apocalypse jokes were particularly funny, but hey, it’s not like that's the end of the world or anything. :)
3 Pre-Christmas Jokes
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Murray. Murray who? Murray Christmas, one and all! Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? A: Because every buck is dear to him. Q: What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex? A: Rapping ...
Old Job-Holders Never...
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance. Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off. Old bosses never die, much as you want them to. Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive. Old chemists never die, they just fail ...
One-handed Typing
Overheard on an airplane: "Miss? Why did you slap that man in the seat in front of me?" An old woman wanted to know. The beautiful red-headed flight attendant replied, "He had the nerve to tell me that 'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only ...
Short Bible Jokes
Q: What's the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale? A: You can't keep a good man down! Q: Who drew up the design for Noah's ark? A: An ark-itect!
A Real Quickie
Q: When interviewed for a men's magazine, what did 100m dash world record holder Usain Bolt's ex-girlfriend have to say about his technique between the sheets? A: "It really is true: He is the fastest man ever!"
No Arms, No Legs 1
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mailbox? A: Bill Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door? A: Matt Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hung up on your wall? A: Art Q: ...
Amazing Blind Cashier
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy her husband a fishing rod. Not liking fishing herself, she just grabs one and goes over to the register where there's a cashier with dark glasses on. She asks, "Can you tell me anything about this rod and ...